Updated, 2023.

I am a grateful believer in Jesus Christ celebrating recovery in my struggle against sexual addiction, codependency, and toxic anger, and my name is Bryan. Although it has been over 10 years since I last acted out with pornography, and my current relationships are much healthier than they used to be, I still take it one day at a time. Philippians 3:12 says it this way, “Not that I have already reached the goal or am already fully mature, but I make every effort to take hold of it because I also have been taken hold of by Christ Jesus.”

I grew up in a good home. We always had enough to eat, and we never had to worry about a place to live. But even as a child, I knew we didn’t have much compared to other families. Early on, I learned not to ask for anything too expensive and to expect as little as possible; it was much better than being disappointed. I grew up believing my parents both loved me, but I also grew up believing I was not enough. I rarely felt accepted by my peers and so I often used people-pleasing to fit in. People-pleasing and fantasy became my go-to coping skills. I began living in an imaginary world where I was the one who could fix anything or anyone who was broken or hurt.

During my growing up years, my family was full of secrets. First of all, everyone, I mean everyone, was codependent. This secret was easy to keep because…none of us knew we were codependent! Another secret: there was lots and lots of sexual sin, brokenness, and addiction throughout the entire family. This was kept from me until I was about fifteen or sixteen, and by then I had learned the price of knowing secrets; if you wanted to be in the know, you had to keep the secret. Secrets were the currency of acceptance and value in our family. Soon, I had a few secrets of my own.

I accumulated many secrets over the years. I learned how to stuff them down deep inside where no one could see them. I learned how to numb my brain enough to almost forget them. This seemed like escape, but it all eventually caught up with me. By the time I was in my twenties, I had achieved my lifetime career goal, was pursuing a minister’s license, and had a roadmap set for financial security. I had a loving wife, a beautiful little family, and lots of blessings. But I was hollow and rotten on the inside. Over a two-year period, all the lies I was living came crashing down. I resigned from my job, let my ministerial license lapse, and went through bankruptcy. My wife threatened to leave me, she and our kids had to leave the state due to some family turmoil, and I wound up living alone in an empty house I didn’t even own. My addiction led me to a dark, lonely place.

One of the reasons I followed my addiction down that path was that it promised me relief from the pain and fear I lived with all the time. It felt like the years of buried anger and covered up resentment had filled my heart with acid; the lies I had told myself, so long that I started believing them, were eating me alive. I actually was hurt, broken, and scared down inside; I told myself I was just fine. I actually was sinning against my marriage, breaking my wedding vows, and poisoning my mind; I told myself I wasn’t as bad as some people and I deserved the pleasures I discovered in pornography. 

As I ran from my emptiness, I moved further and further into a dark, “isolating obsession with sex and self.” I expected those around me to satisfy my heart, but I never opened myself up to true intimacy. My wife, my family, and my friends were all held at arms length; I could not let them see what I really was. I grew to believe that no one would ever be able to love me and accept me if they ever saw what I was on the inside. No one was able to break through the walls I built around my heart. Even though this was my own fault, I grew even more angry and resentful towards others.

In time, pornography began to rule my life. I watched it at home, at work, and even while driving down the road. I almost always felt sorry afterwards, and would ask myself, “How did this happen again?!” I don’t even remember how many times I tried to quit; I always went back to it when the pain or pressure started to get worse. Only once my marriage was in danger and I was afraid I would lose all contact with my kids, did I start working on recovery for real.

For a long time I struggled to follow a path of recovery without any true sobriety. This was pure hell. I would meet with my counselor and go over the details of my latest relapse, trying to find the key to breaking the cycle. I read books. I wrote journals. I filled out questionnaires. And I kept relapsing. My wife had agreed not to leave as long as I kept trying to get sober, but we had next to nothing of a relationship. My repeated relapses tore us apart from each other. 

One Thursday morning, three days after another relapse, I finally took Step One and admitted that I was “powerless to control [my] addictions and compulsive behaviors; that [my] life had become unmanageable.” Steps Two and Three followed right after, and I didn’t even know about 12-Stepping yet! I threw myself on God’s mercy, and relied on His grace to keep me clean instead of my own willpower. This was the turning point for me. Believing that He could keep me clean, instead of working to keep myself clean, made all the difference in the world.

Earlier that same year, when I had mentioned seeing a yard sign for Celebrate Recovery, my counselor had strongly encouraged me to attend. I decided to finally follow though on this, so I searched online for a group that fit my schedule and found one. The first night I walked through the doors, I was desperate but not hopeful. That all changed…in about five minutes. I was welcomed with a smile and a handshake. I saw people introducing themselves, and identifying their addictions, with no shame or fear. I thought to myself, “This might actually work!”

I began working the program. I attended every Friday night I could. I got into a Step Study. I found a sponsor. As I worked the Steps, I learned more and more about two things; God’s power and my powerlessness. My eyes were opened to just how hopeless it had always been for me to fix myself, or anything else for that matter, without my Higher Power’s intervention. I saw the grace of God heal my heart and life in ways I had never dreamed could ever be. My wife even noticed the change. I began to live in hope and confidence, instead of always hiding in the corners of my mind trying to escape from the demons I had created there. She asked me about this new way I was acting and how I was able to face myself without fear. I told her it was all happening to me at CR.

Once my wife started attending CR with me, our life began to be a lot better. We began to be honest with each other about our own hurts, habits, and hang-ups. It was good. I started another Step Study and realized I had found something else to work on; my codependency had come to the surface in a big way. As I started looking at my codependency, I realized it had been with me even before my sexual addiction. I saw how it had shaped and defined my earliest relationships with family and friends. It suddenly made sense why every relationship I had ever been in felt like a vacuum sucking life and energy out of me. No wonder I longed to isolate and escape!

Working on my codependency was a whole different ballgame from the sexual addiction. It felt slippery and illusive; I had a hard time even defining what I was working on for a while, even though I instantly knew in my gut each and every time I acted codependently. I came to rest on this definition for my recovery: codependency for me is any time I lie to myself or to anyone else about what I need or want in order to please or manipulate those around me. Finally having it out in the open made it easier to see, but it still took working the 12 Steps and surrendering to my Higher Power every day to start seeing any growth or healing in this new area of my recovery.

One of my worst character defects has always been arrogance. I have always had a better plan than the next person, or even a better way to do their plan. If a friend or family member suggested a course of action, I rarely ever just accepted it; I usually had several objections to it and pointed out all its errors and pitfalls. I called this ‘critical thinking’ and held on to it despite its negative effects in my marriage and relationships. But…my Higher Power has worked on me in this area. I have learned to say, “That sounds good!” sometimes, instead of “But what about this?” every single time. I have started admitting it immediately when I am wrong, instead of saving face and admitting it later in the week. And I have learned to ask myself, “Are you sure you’re right about this?” before opening my mouth, instead of just assuming that my way is naturally the best.

Another character defect of mine has been my resistance to transparency and authority. Oh I would be transparent, but only about certain things. And I would submit to authority, but only in certain areas. I always reserved some part of my life to be out of sight and unrestrained. My Higher Power, Jesus Christ, has not let this slide. He has been gentle, but increasingly firm, as He has required more of me in this area of my recovery. When I started working the program, I was accountable only to my counselor. Now I am accountable to a counselor, a sponsor, several accountability partners, several more men I sponsor, and my pastor. The transparency in my life is as complete as technology can make it, and I have become a person who does not dodge an honest question. Any of these people in my life have the authority to say to me, “Bryan, are you sure you ought to be doing this?” about anything they see in me.

It was dangerous, in the beginning of my codependency recovery, to think about how it might become a good thing some day; I needed to get far away from it first. But now that my Higher Power is helping me walk in honesty and freedom from my need to be needed, I can see where He has used even this brokenness of mine to accomplish His purpose in my life. Part of codependency is anticipating the needs of others; codependents do this in order to please and manipulate those around them. But as I help others in their recoveries I am able to sense their needs. Now, instead of arrogantly making suggestions, I humbly share my own story. Instead of thinking I can fix them if they just do exactly what I say, I now know that they need to meet my Higher Power; He knows what they need and can get them to where they need to be.

I have experienced the grace of God in ways I never would have, or could have imagined. Some bad things have happened to me since I got into recovery. I have buried one son, my wife has had to leave Celebrate Recovery, and I have experienced some of the worst betrayals in my life. But my Higher Power never left me to face it alone. He was with me in every moment. Jesus, and Jesus alone, kept me sober. Good things have happened, too. I got a job that allows me to attend groups and meet with others in recovery, we bought a house, and I graduated from a seminary with a Master’s Degree in Divinity. God has been so, so kind. I no longer see the good things He gives as His only blessings though; sometimes “His blessings come though raindrops,” and sometimes “His healing comes through tears.” But I am grateful for all He has done for and in me.

My relationship with Jesus, my Higher Power, used to be what I called “complicated”. That was because I was constantly trying to do better, failing miserably, and then wanting to bargain with Him to accept me anyway; working harder so that He would have a reason to not leave me. Now, I live in His acceptance; Romans 8:38 and 39 puts it this way, “I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” This includes anything I do, and anything done to me. I rest secure in knowing I am loved, no matter what.

My relationship with my wife is different, too, now. I used to see her as pretty good, but not quite what she could be…if she would just take my advice. I used to try to manipulate her and use her to get my own needs met. I used to disregard her needs unless they matched my plan for our life together. No more. My Higher Power requires me, and empowers me, to love her the way He loves me. Does He accept me just as I am? Does He meet my needs without strings attached? Well, that’s what He wants out of me, for her. And it works. We continue to build our marriage together. It’s not always easy. There’s a lot of old wounds to work through. But we’re walking this path “one day at a time.” We’re committed to our Higher Power and to one another. We trust Him as we work to reestablish our trust in each other.

The freedom I have in my recovery from my sexual addiction is not something I can take for granted. It’s like paying the power bill; I can have as much light as I want, as long as I pay that bill every month. Similarly, I don’t live in fear of relapse, but I do the work that my Higher Power has given me to do. “I keep a close watch on this heart of mine; I keep my eyes wide open all the time.” I use an acronym to help me with this: H A L T, it stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If any of these warning lights start to blink, I know I am 25% less ready to face temptation and so I do what I can to get that need met in a healthy way. Fear is not what motivates me to do this; I choose to work for my sobriety because I love, I absolutely love, living a sober life! Being able to relate to women, my sisters in recovery and elsewhere, in a healthy, respectful way is worth all the work it takes.

The healing I have found from my codependent way of living is freeing, as well. This area of recovery is deeper than my sexual addiction. I have a harder time with it sometimes. I slide into expecting others to meet my needs, because I’ve met theirs, pretty easily. But I correct myself faster these days, and I don’t beat myself up about it like I used to. Now, when someone shows me some way in which they feel I am trying to manipulate them, I look at it honestly; and if I see they are right, I immediately apologize and make changes to my behavior. I do not get angry with myself about it, either.

Step Twelve says, “Having had a spiritual experience as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, both by our examples and by our words.” Or as Jesus said in Matthew 10:8, “Freely you have received; freely give.” This Step is directly connected to why I am standing here giving my testimony. I work Step 12 by sharing my testimony, by teaching, by sponsoring, and by telling people outside of CR about the beauty of a Christ-centered recovery. This isn’t an after-thought in my recovery; I work this Step just as hard as I worked Step 4 or Step 9. Each Step is vital to my recovery and I revisit them all as new hurts, habits, or hang-ups come along.

Speaking of new hurts, habits, or hang-ups…this has become true in my recovery: The work of recovery is to get me to a place from which I can begin the lifelong journey of spiritual formation. Spiritual formation is called “maturity” by some, or “sanctification” by others. The journey is the same, whatever it’s called. God did not call me into recovery simply to help me stop doing bad things. He called me into recovery for the purpose of healing me so I could chase after Him. And this chasing, this pursuing the One Who “first loved me” is the primary concern of my life now. New hurts, habits, or hang-ups do come, but they are no longer sources of shame and fear. They have become signposts that show me where my Father in Heaven is going to draw me closer to Himself. The disciplines I have learned in recovery are still true; they’re just truer in more ways, and in deeper ways, than I knew when I first started.

Celebrate Recovery, the 12 Steps, and all that God has done for me through them are just as available to each and every Newcomer tonight as they were to me when I walked through the doors for the first time over a decade ago. Every week, people all over the world, around the entire globe, meet with each other and follow our Higher Power, Jesus, through the 12 Steps and into a life of joy and freedom. I bless God for allowing me to share the good news tonight; there is always, always hope in Jesus!