FAQs

What is sexual addiction?

The first question to ask is this: “What is an addiction?”  One definition of addiction is a behavior or substance that I continue doing or using even though I recognize it as harmful to me and do not want to do it. If I have tried unsuccessfully to stop this behavior or substance use it is more likely to be an addiction. Sexual addiction is when a sexual action or experience fits this description.

What is pornography?

The word “pornography” can be traced to two Greek words meaning "a written description or illustration of prostitutes or prostitution". As such, any depiction of sexual acts, or images used in a sexual act, could be called pornography.

Is there a difference between being “hooked on porn” and having a sexual addiction?

Counselors do differentiate between sexual addiction and pornography addiction; pornography addiction is one of many possible sexual addictions. However, one may be a sexual addict and never have looked at porn.

How can I help someone who is hooked on porn or has a sexual addiction?

Sexual addictions are based on fantasy and lies; the Truth is what sets us free. The most important thing to do is refuse to hide or cover the addicts lifestyle, at home or publicly. Only the Light can end the darkness. Also, judgement must be avoided. Be open and accepting of the person, even while rejecting the behavior: see the difference between the addict and the addiction.

How can I help a sibling who is looking at porn?

As mentioned above, honesty is key to helping anyone involved in a sexual addiction find freedom. Often, gentle honesty, about the pain the addict is causing others, from a close family member, can play a role in the addict choosing to begin recovery.

If I suspect someone is looking at porn, should I make sure?  If so, how?

It never, never hurts to ask. If the person is doing nothing wrong, they will likely be glad to say so. If they are, confrontation may be healthy for them. The question must not be accusing or demeaning. A simple, “Have you looked at any sexually explicit images in the last 30, 60, or 90 days?”, will do. Also, heartfelt concern for the one being questioned is vital. If you have no love in your heart, leave the questioning to those who do. Do not try to “fix” the person: the person is not the problem.

Are there signs to watch for that signal a sexual addiction is present?

Sexual addictions can manifest many different ways. However, there are a few things to look out for:

• Isolation. Seeking to be apart from usual relationships.

• Money or Time that is not accounted for.

• Anger at being questioned about time or money spent.

• Objectifying, dehumanizing people. A lack of empathy.

• Extremes in sexual expression. A whole lot, or nearly none at all.

• Refusing to discuss sexual integrity. Avoiding accountability.

If I find porn, in my son’s or daughter’s car or room, what do I say?

First of all, never ever assume anything; there may be a legitimate explanation. Simply asking, “What is this?”, or, “Where did this come from?”, in a calm, respectful voice will probably yield the best results. Acceptance of the person, however they reply, will be key to any further relationship. Do not get sucked in to “fixing” the situation in the moment. If anything is wrong, getting it right again will take time.

Do women ever get hooked on porn, or have sexual addictions?

The wounds and fears that drive the addictive cycle are not gender-specific; so yes, some women wrestle with sexual addiction, as well. There is are also specific sex industry goals and strategies focused on attracting female viewers and participants: girls are not exempt from this temptation.

How do I stop looking at porn?

Rarely can this be done alone. It is best to reach out to a trusted person who can walk with you through this process. The actual watching of porn can be stopped fairly easily, but the underlying drives and appetites are what require more aggressive measures. The rebuilding of healthy relationship skills will be necessary. If the first person you reach put to doesn’t help much, keep reaching out. God will lead you to people who can help you.

What does my porn addiction do to my spouse?

Studies show that the emotional profile of a woman who is married to a sexual addict, who repeatedly confesses and relapses, mirrors that of a rape victim. Your addiction also requires you to devote yourself to it; this steals from, or “defraud”s your partner. If you are a husband and/or father, your role as the spiritual leader of the home, and your wife, cannot be executed while you are in an addiction. You are setting your family up for brutal spiritual attacks. If you are a wife and/or mother, your ability to administer the 'help' of God in your home, and to your husband, is severely limited. You are crippling the grace of God in the lives of those you love.

Where in the Bible does it speak about sexual addiction?

There are multiple references to sexuality, especially in the Apostle Paul’s writings, in regards to what is unacceptable behavior for followers of Christ. These culminate in 1 Corinthians 6:18-20, ”Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit...you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”  This clearly depicts the acts of sexual addiction as something to be struggled against; however, for a clearer picture of addiction, we look to the Apostle Paul’s own Bible. The Hebrew Text is one of pictures, and not necessarily statements. In the 'old testament' we have many pictures of sexual addiction: Samson, Solomon, Gomer, maybe Jezebel, possibly Judah, perhaps most famously King David. The stories of these men and women echo with truths about sexual addiction.

At what point does immodesty become pornography?

Immodesty has to do with a lack of bodily covering or concealment; pornography has to do with a objectification of the body. 'Pure immodesty', for lack of a better term, is still an issue related to a real, live person. Pornography takes away that personhood and reduces the human form to a sexual, impersonal stimulant. Unfortunately, an addict will often sexualize and objectify innocent images or people for his or her own pleasure. This does not necessarily cause them to be intrinsically pornographic, even if the addict uses them like pornography. At no point is any level of immodesty a legitimate excuse for a sexual addict to use someone for their own pleasure. The addict who objectifies is the one responsible, not the person who is being objectified.

How can I deal with porn/sexual addiction while dating?

First, one useful idea is to view God as not only your Father in Heaven, but also your Father-in-law in Heaven: He is the Father of the one you are dating, too. Second, if sexual addiction is being fueled by a relationship, that relationship must end. Third, if the relationship is serious, any sexual addiction must be addressed prior to marriage. It is morally evil to betray a trust so fundamentally.

Can I understand a sexual addict?  If so, how?

There are many ways to come alongside an addict who is seeking recovery; however, the twisted mindset of addiction is one not easily comprehended by one who has not suffered with it themselves. This highlights the need for recovery-focused groups and accountability partners. There are also books that explain the processes at work in the addict; there are groups for those impacted by the addict’s life choices, too. Probably the best way to grasp what the addict is experiencing is to seek Biblical and/or professional counseling services. The addict is the last place to look for truth; he or she is living in a lie, and they often cannot tell the truth even if they want to.

Can someone be forgiven and still be a struggling addict?

The forgiveness offered by Jesus the Christ is not in any way dependent on the performance of the one seeking forgiveness. In the Bible, the Letter to the Romans says that "while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." This means that a sinner does not have to stop sinning to be forgiven. As long as a person maintains their believing loyalty to Jesus, their sins have no impact on their relationship to God. The consequences of those sins will still come in the life of a person struggling with addiction, but they will not be separated from God by those sins or consequences.

Does it help for addicts to share their struggles, failings, and battles with each other?

James 5:16 tells us to, “...confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed...” This dynamic of healing cannot take place between God and Humanity alone. Brothers and sisters who love and respect each other must confess to each other and pray for each other for this kind of restoration to occur. Also, the central lies of the addictive cycle are shattered by a loving community. Lastly, the techniques of recovery are universal. Sharing experiences with one another is one way for addicts to learn better ways to move forward in recovery.

Is sexual addiction the fault of the addict?

Sexual addiction is often not the core issue in an addict’s life. Many, many times there are underlying wounds and dysfunctions that have given rise to addictive patterns of thought and behavior for years before finally maturing into a full addiction. These wounds and dysfunctions are usually handed to the addict early in childhood, long before they are capable of dealing with them in a healthy manner. The resulting pain builds up until the addict cannot survive without using an addiction to medicate, or dull, it. However, the addict does actively choose to act out in an addictive manner. The answer then is, “No”, and, “Yes.” The addict is not responsible for the pain that initially drives them to medicate, but they are responsible for the choice to do so.

Are some people born addicts; do they just have to accept it?

DNA is currently thought to be alterable generationally, at least in regards to the expression or repression of genes. Some predispositions to anxiety, depression, and other phycological disorders seem to be related to gene expression, as well. It is likely that there are individuals who have more attractions, at a genetic level, to behaviors precursory to addiction. However, the current theory of epigenetic plasticity is based on the idea that choice interacts with genes: if a person decides to move away from an addictive lifestyle, they can make changes in their habits that may alter their very cellular being. This process is now indicated by scientific research.

Is it okay for a husband and wife to privately watch pornography together if they both have agreed to it?

No matter what the setting, pornography has negative impacts on the heart, mind, soul, and body. Simply because a spouse may be accepting, or even encouraging, of porn use, one does not automatically avoid the results of doing so. The same logic could be applied to any unhealthy, unholy activity. Joseph gives us the classic response, “How can I do this sin against God?!” Potiphar’s wife was willing and ready; no doubt Joseph was ready, but he was unwilling to break relationship with God. The issue ultimately is not simply whether the other person is violated, it is whether I myself am violated. Remember, every one of us is each the temple of God.

Is it okay to watch sexually graphic material that isn’t actual footage of people, like cartoons.  Is that still porn?

Pornography is generally defined as having to do with human sexual acts, and there are cartoons that would still qualify as pornographic since they are a “written description” of human sexual acts. There are still other cartoons in which usually inanimate objects are brought to life for erotic, usually humorous, depictions. This material technically would not be considered pornographic, but it could definitely be used by a sexual addict in a way similar to pornography.